Always and Evermore

Cancer is insidious.  It wants to thrive and remain and continue to haunt you like a bad dream.  I knew this back in August when I prayed in vain that her results would not be cancer.  It is mentally challenging in the first few years for a survivor, lucky that one is, to not dwell in the possibilities.  And we are only in the first few months of remission.  My friend Amanda told me once, “the journey is not a sprint, it is a marathon”.  Keep up your strength.

I had to remind my thoughtful warrior last night that life gives us no guarantees. We can only live for today and hope for tomorrow.  She described her feelings of being shackled by the possibility of cancer’s return for the rest of her life.  “and I’m not 80 mom.  I’m only 13.”  “I am not you and I cannot pretend to understand your burden, my daughter”, I told her. “I can only carry a part of it as your mother and give you this piece of advice my father once told me: worrying about the theoretical is a waste of energy.  If the imagined nightmare becomes a reality, there is time enough to worry then.  And even at that point in time, worrying is not going to help you.”  My brightest light then said to me, “Life is stupid.  It’s senseless.  We are surrounded by corruption, poverty and disease.  I am not glad for any of the people I met because of the cancer.”  A pause.  “Except for Jackson.  He has made this whole thing worthwhile.”  Pain has purpose.  A young boy her age that she only met twice before he died so unfairly from brain cancer has purpose and will for the rest of her life.  It makes no sense now in the great, messy tapestry of life where your vision is obstructed by the details.  But in the bigger picture, it has meaning and purpose-the ugliness, the pain, the sadness.

“Into My Arms” 
Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds

I don’t believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I don’t believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that’s true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candles burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

One response to “Always and Evermore”

  1. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to go through the things she did and fear that you might have to do it again. For one so young, I hope that she can learn to live in the present. It seems like that would be the only way “to live each day as it comes” Serenity Prayer.

    Liked by 1 person

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