art, hope, letting go, living, moments, time

Dark Night

profile                                                     Art & Poem by Carmen H Gray

I wrote the poem below 25 years ago. Found it today rummaging through old things this morning and it inspired a self-portrait. Although I am quite sensitive/empathic, in all these subsequent years, but especially in the last 5 ones, I have learned how to shore up my psychic boundaries, practice self-care and self-compassion. This has created a firmer foundation for me to explore who I am and what I feel, apart from others around me. It has led me to shed the burdens that I have allowed others to place upon me. In other words, I have a better sense of me. I read this poem now and realize, I no longer feel these emotions. I absolutely can and do sense the grief and heaviness in others, especially I can tap into this during my reiki sessions with my clients. I hear the feelings/experiences that are present in their subconscious.  But, there is no need for me to take on another person’s healing process now. I am there to reflect it, but not to feel it for them. For my own healing unfolded, and for this I am grateful.

Dark Night

To be alert and eyes wide open,

Heart exposed, vulnerable organ that it is,

Is to be both cursed and blessed.

But it is the only way to truly be

To truly live, and see and feel and die.

As I witness sad souls beat down in this world,

My heart feels heavy with the weight of their sorrows

How insignificant it may be, that in my life

I am present when your restless soul seeks

The warmth of another, reaching, hands outstretched, searching, searching…

How common that I mourn for you

When nights are long and painful

The senses are heightened

For every smell is sickening

And even silence is too loud

How simple to share moments of despair

When a blanket of nothingness surrounds you

Groping, blindly for hope

Hope, hope…this is what will save us

Returning to our human condition

Sharing our dark night of the soul

 

art, beauty, hope, living, moments, mystics, nature, time

Autumn

Art and Poetry by Carmen H Gray

Autumn

The clouds opened up in October

Fay beings in my garden

All of the old souls summoned from the cold, misty northlands

Landing hither and thither

On that one flower that overshadows me

It grew from seed, you never know what will happen

When you send seeds forth

Into their future states of being

One might become

The one that surpasses you

To stand in that hushed intermission

Of fluttering souls

All Soul’s ShadowSelves

On a steady path south

To a mountain where I have lingered in this lifetime

cancer, hope, letting go, living

11.20.14

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by Carmen H Gray 

the waves lapped at the shore

industrial waste in a place

where freshwater meets saltwater

the bright sky viewing a town that feels like a story I’ve written

like time stopped here, somewhere in the 1970’s of my childhood

and it may as well be a repeat of those chaotic times these days

except here I am, a woman now

with a daughter who can celebrate

a date that has past

and here we are

souls brined

hearts preserved

bodies intact

and this is better than any man made holy day to me

 

 

 

 

 

hope, letting go, living

Today

Today

by Carmen H Gray

 

It’s Easter Sunday and April Fool’s

I came across an old birthday card

A token of a time when I was the perfect mother

In my daughter’s eyes

Before the cancer and the heavy stuff

Before the hormones and the teen angst

Now it’s all eye rolling and pfftsss

You Fool

And families are a funny thing

All those egos parading with divided perspectives

We thought we had already traded them in for prizes

From the fortune cookie wisdom

“You will make great advances in life”

But time is a funny thing, too

One shift in our clutched-tightly-guarding-it-nightly story

And suddenly we are that little child again

From 40 years ago

Finding our footing

Can I just say even if it’s all a joke

I’m so glad to have laughed and cried

And lived and sighed

With you today

 

 

living

Love In The Time of Everything

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Love In The Time of Everything

by Carmen H Gray

When I was little

I wrote about a heroine

In one of my silly chapter books

Writing and writing

My favorite escape

She had auburn hair

And striking green eyes

I didn’t know

She would materialize

That one day she would

Come to be

And how this little sprite

Would change me so

I did not know

It was not all sugar and spice

It was laughter

But also tears

And tumors and fears

Inward reflection

Rejecting affection

I knew

Love

In the time of the highs

That’s the easy part

But my heroine

Showed me how to find

Love

In the time of the lows

And how the cracks

Are certain signs

Of wholeness

Being born

letting go, living

Pearls to Swine

Pearls to Swine

By Carmen H Gray

 

Don’t throw pearls to swine

He told me

What does that mean?

She asked

Give only to those who deserve you

As the wholeness of you

Shimmers with milky luster parts

Beholden to spectators

Begging for the shelter of your light

Light does not choose where it shines

She said

Or to whom it may fall

Knaves and doves

Are indistinguishable

In the shadows

And each of us can be swine transformed

To a pearl of light

That we once beheld

 

 

 

 

 

living, nature

Dress Rehearsal

Dress Rehearsal

by Carmen H Gray

All of those longstanding moments

Atoms constantly in motion

A tear that fell from my 6 year old eye

Drops of blood mixed with the headiness of life

Moving with the waves of the ocean

In my teenage years

The wind carrying messages and sighs

That velvet dress I wore when I was 22

That held all of my 44 year old fears

Spans of time in the speed of light

Compressed into the zip drive of my soul

Carrying those original sequences of being

Trails of stardust while standing in the starlight

It was all just in preparation for the here and now