ethereal, moments, mystics, time, writing

From A Dream

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”-Oscar Wilde

From A Dream

by Carmen H Gray

You and I, we made such vagaries of the mind

We called ourselves by unrelated names

And wandered into an altered world, where our ages

Were neither young nor old, nor anything in between

As if we were ageless, we were

I saw you writing and you watched me daydreaming in this distant place

I could not remember who I was anymore

As if I had disintegrated into no one, but everyone at once

And you were there to witness such an existence

What strange lives we have lived together

Thought I


beauty, living, nature, poetry, time, writing

In The Garden of The Heart

“A fractal is a way of seeing infinity”-Benoit Mandelbrot

In The Garden of the Heart

by Carmen H Gray

I heard the soft sound of those delicate chimes

And suddenly I was there

Those warm springtimes

Walking, walking in my garden fair

The rosemary sticky with its scent

The artemesia silvery and light

No plant I touched was discontent

The proud lavender, standing upright

In that garden, was I there?

Were those days carefree before?

I wondered that as I lay here

Time is a revolving door

Nature’s fractals I have seen

In that garden where I stepped

The leaves outstretched and deeply green

A lovely place where I have wept










cancer, living, time, writing

The C-Word Revisited November 23, 2014 8:28 p.m.

When the cancer journey began, back in August, I posted about the C-word. Amazing friends of ours “bombed” us with love and took the c-words from my post that I wanted to imagine instead of cancer when I thought of Ava and propped them up on sticks coming out of the basket of gifts.  I placed the words in a vase with bamboo that still sits on the kitchen windowsill.

Everyday I would see these words looking back at me and I’d repeat them in my mind, even when I was not feeling them.  Especially when I was not feeling them. Every morning when I’d wake up and go into the kitchen to get the day going, there they would be.  Every night when I found myself glancing out the kitchen window, there they were.  Words that I wanted to write into a reality instead of the one we were confined to at the beginning.

I believe that words are powerful.  What we say reflects how we think and what we think becomes who we are on so many levels.  Choose carefully.  I know I’ve regretted some things I’ve said-we all have.  The beautiful thing is, we have a multitude of opportunities to revise and redeem our words.


living, moments, writing

Las Orugas Monarcas Oct 14, 2014 8:34pm

I am seeing life through new eyes, just like Ava.  I think we shared an unspoken first moment of “we need to give back” right after the diagnosis.  It’s like my friend, Susanna Sharpe mentioned, you just feel this deep need to do more for others after cancer.The other day before I headed to the hospital to be with Ava, I stopped by Half Price Books to grab something to read (not like I have a stack of books already needing to be read!).  While I was there, I could hear a woman having a very loud conversation with her companion over the store phone.  I looked around.  Everyone was just ignoring her, not making any eye contact.  It reminded me of the time in San Francisco when we were on a bus and a woman was complaining loudly about feeling ignored and my son, Pierce, gave her his seat and locked eyes with her, listening to her frustrations and nodding at her.  Telling her, “I know”. Just affirming her feelings, which changed her composure.  Something we don’t really do much for each other.  People just get louder and more frustrated when they feel they are not heard.Something about her compelled me to linger nearby as I made my purchase. She left the store with her two kids and was walking toward the Goodwill.  I followed her and saw tears on her cheeks.  I called to her, “I only have five dollars to give you.  I wish I could give you more and I know you haven’t even asked for it, but I just know you need it.” She looked at me with kind eyes and she cried more.  She hugged me.  I’m sure we were quite a sight to passersby.  This tall six foot woman and petite me telling her,  “It’s going to be okay”.  We parted our separate ways.  Who knows what troubles she was having, who knows what troubles anyone you see is having.  We only have each other.  We have to be our brother’s and sister’s keepers.  I know this now more than I ever knew before.

Today at school in the gardens a few of my students found some monarch butterfly caterpillars.  They cried out, “Mira, maestra, mira las orugas monarcas!” and showed me four fat yellow and black striped caterpillars.  Always a source of surprise and excitement, witnessing the stages of metamorphosis in nature.  A blessing, really.  We are so busy we often don’t pay attention to these important things, but children do.

cancer, living, writing

The Extraordinary World Sep 28, 2014 7:55am

I don’t know what it feels like to wander in this reality as the main character, I can only describe it to you from the perspective of one of the protective mentors who watches over the main character in this story.  She took my hand and pulled me into the world with her, however unprepared I was.  It’s important to have plans, but so many life changing adventures are the ones that catch you unawares.In the Extraordinary world, time passes differently.  You feel and see the love of other people more intensely.  You feel like you are outside of yourself sometimes and the troubles “out there” in the Ordinary world seem….well, they seem ordinary, trivial, meaningless in a way that they didn’t seem before.  If you haven’t traveled here, it’s hard to explain this reality.  An analogy I visualize is swimming underwater.  The sounds of the Ordinary world are muted.  You feel enveloped by the water and you feel a part of a different, mysterious world.  You come up for air and then dive back down into the water again.  Fighting the water makes things worse, so you let it hold you and surround you.  You learn to move where the current takes you.  You let go of the control you think you had in the Ordinary world and you trust in the direction you are going now.