letting go

Deeds and Words

"Down the beginning of plants
And animals and birds,
Water and Light, the earth and sky,
Is cast before you move,
And all your deeds and words,
Each truth, each lie,
Die in unjudging love."
-from This Side of Truth, by Dylan Thomas

Deeds and Words
by Carmen H Gray

Victorious victim
Oh, you win!  You win!
The suffering, the pain
The sympathy you gain
From a warped world
And the fabrications hurled
Creator of your own story
You place your heart in purgatory
A holding place
Unfixed in space
Until a symphony of songbirds
Relinquishes your deeds and words



“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens”-Khalil Gibran


by Carmen H Gray

When, at the end of a day

You have given all that you could

And still, there are fires at play

Remember to feel it as your should

And cry and let it drift away

Remember that all things great and good

Can be formed like clay

Or sculpted from that piece of wood

That was once the weapon in the fray

If you step back from where you stood

And allow yourself to bravely stray

To see the Beauty from the pain withstood

hope, Uncategorized

Fears Flung Deep

“You forgive yourself for every failure because you are trying to do the right thing. God knows that and you know it. Nobody else may know it.”-Maya Angelou

Fears Flung Deep 

by Carmen H Gray

Out of the Great Unsurpassed

Darkness; a clouded view

I find my way past

The enshrouded residue

Each sigh, each ache

Each bone, each break

Each of these

Will also slake

The pain, the fears

Of bygone years

The silhouette of regret

We struggle past all of this

And if we rise above the Superfluous

Scruff; the brightest kiss

From beyond eclipsed

Rays will open the mind

And keep

The story undefined

Fears flung deep












cancer, letting go


“Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance.” -Deepak Chopra


by Carmen H Gray

Who am I to speak of kindness and love?

I held everyone else’s anger

And thought that I, being so kind

Would transform the danger

Of the negativity that trailed behind

But, lo, I am just a fallible woman

I am nothing great or good

My heart is not some grand cushion

On which all sharp objects could

Softly land

Instead I absorbed it deeply


It did not stay tucked nice and neatly

It snuck out in the most unusual ways

So very unexpectedly

In and out of days

It spilled excessively

Until I told it

Yes, anger, I embrace you

Your darkness that transmits

The necessary pain imbued

I have given you your time

To shine

I am just a fallible woman

And you can now go on



“To belittle, you have to be little.”
―Kahlil Gibran


by Carmen H Gray

I have been jilted

By love (?)

My heart misshapen and stilted

My anger fueled

Slander, curses, vilification

I was fooled

Only it is your ego

The hurt child that resides

Feeding  your false credo

Holding you captive

From the truth

From the real wound

Keeping your soul aloof



"The rest of us watch from beyond the fence
as the woman moves with her jagged stride
into her pain as if into a slow race."-Margaret Atwood

by Carmen H Gray

I heard a crack in the giant ship
That held us through the turbulent waters
Every cell inside me wanted to claim
The sticky sweetness of delicious blame
There is no end to the darkness
Only moments of respite 
Like the glints of sunlight on the darkest water
Like witnessing evolution in my son and my daughter
Life is a series of moments of graceful suspension
From the thorns, the suffocation, the stumbling
Like the unassuming fools that we are 
We find ourselves cast into places
Into unforeseen situations and faces
Some of us want nothing more 
Than to point and blame what surrounds us
Some of us want only to bear the burden 
And yet there remains a way out of the dueling pain
Forgiveness is golden


Waking Up

19346_1202288097446_6059319_nMy two babes before they were teens…hanging out at the creek on a sunny, winter day.

Having a child who just got cleared of cancer a few days before Thanksgiving gave us the opportunity to be really authentic with each other at events on both sides of the family.  There were honest conversations, there were speeches of gratitude, redemption and an exchange of healing words.  Because you never know when you will have the chance again to revise your words and create a different reality in your life.  Perhaps it takes everything to be nearly burned down to wake us up from living superficially.

Ava took this shot holding a piece of sea glass in Puget Sound, the day before we left to come home in summer, three days before we discovered her tumor. 



Love Them Anyway

There’s a stranger I met long ago that told me something when I was feeling quite vulnerable.  I was walking toward the art museum on a sunny Sunday in January when I slipped and broke my ankle just a block from my car.  I didn’t have my phone with me and I didn’t have a means to get back to my car.  I sat down on the sidewalk to think about my circumstances-how would I get back home?  Plenty of people drove by and walked on with their busy lives while I considered crawling back to my car, looking foolish.

This man stopped to help me.  He had very intense, light-colored eyes and a beard. He helped me hobble back to my car.  He let me lean on him heavily while he told me one of his all time favorite quotes:

“People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway.”