hope, letting go, nature



by Carmen H Gray

I traveled into the black hole

I was warned I’d be spaghettified

Maybe I have been

My heart was stretched

My thoughts were ripped apart

And all things were upended

They said “you won’t make it back”

Fare thee well

“You will be dead to me” I heard

But death begets a new life

For inside a chrysalis

A being dissolves


Spaghettified, one might say

I don’t think I made it back

To where I was

The world is not as it was before

Within the limitless chaos

There is order in the unexpected

Hope IS the thing with feathers

Like Emily writes













letting go



by Carmen H Gray

I know what it is to lift

And dissipate into the great Nothingness

Where zero is Nothing and Everything

The Light that never goes out

I have spun in that void

With absolute fearlessness

All sense of gravity gone

As if in one tiny profound moment

I escaped the man made time dimension

To see that we knew death

Before we knew life

Absolute nothing encompassing everything






“We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game”-Joni Mitchell



by Carmen H Gray



Perfect movement forward

Sliding Downward

Then Upward

Each point containing

Its own perfect perspective

Of Existence

All around us

Vectors teaching us

A fraction of a change

Moves the course

Flowing round, flowering

Each dying end turning

Back into life









hope, nature

View From Above


View From Above

by Carmen H Gray

A branch broke under his weight

I looked up and saw only the white tips

Of a grand wing span

The sun cleansing fetid remnants of forages

His eyes met with mine

As if to say,

Patience, my queen

Learn how to reprocess life

For I am the essence of

Resourcefulness and nobility

Not a living thing shall I take

Not a breath shall I steal

Not a neck shall I break

A strange and curious power lies

In turning death back into life

letting go, Uncategorized

Pieces of Her

“Arrange whatever pieces come your way”-Virginia Woolf

Pieces of Her

by Carmen H Gray

She wept

And each

Salt-filled drip

Contained pieces of her

A uniquely composed

Momentary release

Of cells on the verge of

Elapsed time

Recalling an ending

Opening the space

For the conception

Of pieces of her

Arranged by her

With her

For her

In that when

That moment dies

It is a pretty death

With liquid attendants

Saying farewell with love




hope, letting go, living, Uncategorized

Combined Mass


Combined Mass

by Carmen H Gray


Those tears flowed

They were from the eyes

Of a little girl I knew

I saw glimpses of

Incarnations of You

Folded into my arms

What sorrow’s songs are enacting

Heartstring disarms

Revealing a reflection

Molting, transmuting

An old wound demands recollection

In one form or another

Study it, hold it

Protect it like a mother

Or, like the mother who you had to protect

Release, let go

Put it with the other baggage you’ve checked

All of the combined mass

Of a grief held stationary

Set into motion at last


















living, moments, time

My Son

Your Journey with Me

by Carmen H Gray

When you were growing inside me, your Great Grandmother and Great Grandfather both left this world on the same day.

I witnessed my mother’s mother’s exit, standing close to her and holding her hand. I looked into her fearful eyes and I said in my mind, “Let go, all will be well,” for she had reservations and was sad she would miss meeting you here. She acquiesced. Family gathered around her in the room my mother had lovingly created for her final resting place. We sang Amazing Grace to her spirit and my mother cleaned her body before calling the hospice staff.  Her body was tiny.  It was a beautiful and proper Tejano good-bye, with song and expression.  I was filled with many emotions, but the time to release them had to be postponed, because that same afternoon, my father’s father was also leaving and we all journeyed to his home next.

When we arrived, he was in the room where I had often played with dolls and my cousins as a little girl.  His wife was sitting next to him, holding his hand, and reassuring him of his peaceful journey.  She had always been the soothing force in all of our lives.  Most of my aunts and uncles and many of my cousins were all there.  Some, with their own children.  I watched my father cry and saw the tears of many of my aunts and uncles.  Some of them more English proper (stalwart, private in the emotional realm) than others, as that was how they had been raised.  When he left that afternoon, the house was burgeoning with loved ones and neighbors.  As I sat in the kitchen, holding my little cousin Claire on my lap, I felt the first butterfly movements of you.

Five months later, you arrived.  You came a whole month earlier than you were supposed to, you couldn’t wait to join everyone here.  And you came just days before your Great Grandfather’s November birthday, as if you were saying to us all, “He is with me”.




*photo by Helen Farah 06/1990


by Carmen H Gray

Nearly a year ago

When you left

I never had a chance to say a proper goodbye

I was engaged

To cancer at the time

My life turned upside down

Pieces of me scattered

In the menagerie of loss

Today I found

My yesteryear self

Reflected in your lens

From another time

Your keen eye

Spanning the future

As if to say

“I see into you, always, my friend”



“I feel what they feel. And people who listen to me know that, and it makes them feel like they’re not alone.”-Nina Simone


by Carmen H Gray

It was as if

We were there

For the first time

Only your hair

Was a different color

Your body had more mass

There were more freckles on

Your pretty face

Time does not flow

In any direction

At all

It is shattered

Like a broken mirror

Floating in Space

Pieces of it reflecting





Which are only

Man made concepts

After all